Breaking a bitter relationship - Is it the end of problem or the beginning ?

"Relationships" This is the only thing which keeps me going in life. If I look back into my past I can see just one thing that I earned in abundance and that was love, lots and lots of love  from all my relationships.The people whom I loved may not be there with me now but their remains are still very much alive and fresh in me.

There is yet another thing which I got from these "Relationships" and that is pain, agony and trauma. The pain of seperation, the agony of lonileness and trauma of not being understood once again. At times we meet such beautiful people in life that we just cant stop ourselves in falling in love with them. At times that first impression of a person leaves you zapped and you try to make that person a part of your life. But the moment you start spending time with him, sharing your everything with him you start getting the jerks and you encounter the fact  that he is not the "Mr. rite" or "Ms. rite" whom you were looking for  and the years of togetherness makes you realise that you were so wrong in judging a person.As they say " Familiarity breeds contempt" ....so may be after observing him closely  you may be shaken so as to what kind of person is he? He is not the one whom I would have ever wanted  . He is not the with whom I want to spend time.He traumatises me .He is the one who will never understand me.He is the one who does not fit  into my defination of "A Good Person" or "A Good Friend" or " A Good Husband". Then what do we do ? We try to end the relation. Thats what most us do.But does the problem end there?

Ending a Relationship, has never been the solution.  The problem actually begins now thats what my past experiences says  . A broken relationship leaves a broken heart thereby making a person bitter, harsh, lonely, and a hard  human being. After putting in so many years in a relationship  ,after nurturing that relationship with so many vivid shades your emotions.. you decide to walk away ... then it definately is not going to make you happy rather it will kill you every minute and drain out all your energy. Rest of your life you will see yourself fighting to come out of that relationship. You will see yourself as being victimised and seeking sympathy from others.You will always try to find a love exactly in the mannar which the ex relation gave you.

So lets try to add some sweetness to a bitter relationship .It will work.It takes years to make a relationship so lets not loose it in just one snap.Once we decide to break a relation we have to take umpteen efforts to keep ouselves happy, to keep ourselves positive in life, to keep ourselves oblivious to the past, to fool ourselves that we are happy, to create a illusion that "Yes I can do without him".But a small geture of forgiving, a small effort of compromise, a small emotion of care can bring in life to a dead relationship again and believe me these efforts are nothing as compared to the efforts which we have to put in to overcome the pains of a broken relationship.

Our life is not made from the breaths we take but from the breathless moments which we spent with the loved ones.So lets remember those beautiful moments and save one more relationship from breaking.

Remembering Dad on his 19th death anniversary

"Daddy" -- 19 years back  this word vanished from my dictionary. "Daddy" this word wets everyones eyes but for me it wets my pants. Dr. P.N.Rajan that was the man who was destined to be my father.A man who was sent by God in our lives as a caretaker. A man whose life was governed by sets of disciplines and sets of do's and dont's for self and for the people in his life .He was the king and expected everybody to abide the rules laid by him and if disobeyed were served with severe punishments.If i look back into my past i can just remember punishments,fear,tear,that high pitched shrill voice always ready to take shit out of me ,those scary days and nites ,fear of doing something wrong and getting punishned. One of the punishments which  shivers me till my spine was being locked in the dark bathroom in the night for long and my mom pleading my dad to pardon me.

A man who had a dual personality .. he was the God for the masses, a social servant ... whose doors were always open for people  but at home he was worst then a hitler .. nobody could have even imagined that side of his personality... the world thought that we were the luckiest to a have a man like Dr. rajan in our  lives.. ... He was the man who earned so much of name, fame and love of people. He was a charmer,a man full of life.A man who was terrifically intelligent. A man whose brain worked  like a computer. A man who had amazing command over many languages. A man who took just fraction of seconds to solve the most complicated mathematical calculations . A man interstested in everything under the sky be it be poetry or films be it be a  sport or science.. name the topic and he can talk for hrs. and he was married to the dumbest lady on the earth but exquisite, loving , humble,soft spoken who was always there to massage his chauvinism and male ego,a lady for whom Dr. Rajan was a phenomena,a man not less than a filmi hero.

16th september  1992 the story ended . I and mi mom did not know how to react.. we were crying because everyone cries on death of their loved ones (?) .We did not know how to live without him. We were so used to be dictated that we did not know how to use our freedom.. we were lost.. .. We felt as if all our clothes were ripped off from our body and we were asked to do a naked parade in front of that crowd who was standing like a beast to pounch on us...But we survived and world taught us the theory of "survival of the fittest".

But Dad.. where ever you are may God bless your soul and i would like to confess that that was a better world in which you were the king and i and mom were your followers. Your punsihments were less severe than then the ones which world decided for us.

We  do miss u.....

S.M.A. & U.M.A - The two great educational institutions of my life

S.M.A. and U.M.A. - These are the two great  institutions where i did my schooling. Both are the veterans in their fileds and are the best in imparting education in their specialities. I have spent nearly equal amount of years in both the institutions. The former gave me knowledge about cells, tissues,ethanol,newtons and galileos and the later taught me multiplications and divisions of joys and sorrows and thereby mastering the  "ART OF LIVING"

I will take you thru the similarities and dissimilarities of the two and you can decide for yourself where you wanna study.

S.M.A made me a better person and U.M.A made me a bitter person. Every weak moments of my life i remembered the motto of  S.M.A  "Let your light shine" where as U.M.A taught me  "Let us fight till we break our spine".

Both have a mind boggling infrastructure and it will take you a while to move around and understand the structure , the enterance and the exit and if you are not very careful you may get lost and  never find your way out . Heart of S.M.A is very huge and can accomodate many students at a time but U.M.A has many limitations .Though it also has a huge empty ground but it has too many walls and pillars in it so moving around and playing is a bit difficult as you have a good chances of getting hurt.

The two have there own way of teaching. S.M.A's training is theoritical and they conduct exams every year and getting thru these exams is quiet simple whereas U.M.A conducts exam very often and way of judging is very strict and so you have to take many attempts to clear the exam and get good marks.

Getting admission in U.M.A is a very tough task but once you get in you are sure to go on a roller coaster ride.U.M.A believes in giving practical lessons . Their way of teaching is very traumatic which probably everybody cannot take it... .. as they first emotional rape a person and mentally tire him to such an extend that he is completly drained out , that is the time when they vanish from the scene and this where their art lies . They drag you to a vegetable state where you will feel lifeless and then they ask you to get up on your own and  live life . In the process they awake the beast in you and make you behave like one animal and in turn feels vicitimised .This is how you master the lessons of "ART OF LIVING".

Whenever i miss  S.M.A i go back to my hometown and for sure visit my school and I feel very good because it still is in the same state as i left but when ever i miss U.M.A and i try to visit  i fail as it is now in a dilapidated state and the keys to the doors are lost somewhere.

my favourite showpiece broke !!

I had a very beautiful showpiece , which i got ten years back. It was out of the world, surreal ,very expensive and extremely close to my heart and life. The day I saw this showpiece I fell in love with it and wanted to get it into my house by paying any cost and i did it.It was worth paying some extra grands for this lovely art work because very rarely you get to find such creations and who so ever would have got it must have felt the same. So i was the lucky one to get it and was madly attached to it. I use to handle it very carefully because i knew if not handled properly it will break. Morning ,evening , every min. of my life I use to feel good as it was enhanching the beauty of my house and life.

Days passed and after a year or so it started loosing its glitter and a crack came on it .. I was jittery, nervous and scared and went out of the way to fill that crack and polish it beautifully to hide the scar on the beauty and carried that broken and aritifically caumoflauged show piece whereever i went . I travelled places and wherever i went i took some extra care to carry the showpiece but with the time the beauty of it was demeening and the crack was growing deeper and deeper and i was standing there helplessly because i knew if i loose this i will not get a similiar piece ever again in my life  .

Yesterday for my surprise even i was fed up of taking this extra care and extra burden of maintaning the showpiece and unknowingly and unintentionaly i cleaned it half heartedly and it slipped out of my hand and fell with a big thud on the ground , the pieces went into my legs and hands and I was in pain .The showpiece had hurt me , the showpiece whom I gave a special place in my heart and life at the time of going away from my house left with so much of trauma ... i was shocked 

I went blank , i cried , i shouted, i yelled but nobody was there to listen to me . The world turned deaf on me and nobody vouched for help . Suddenly my maid came and cleaned the mess and told me "didi ek sadi se showpiece ke liye kyon ro rahe ho, wo tu kitna ganda ho gaya tha achha hua toot gaya"

I got up and asked her to go in kitchen and make some tea for me as i knew she will never understand what loosing a old friend can be like so what if she was just like a showpiece in my life